No Priest, Witch Doctor, or Voodoo Master can exorcise these demons
I decided to bring together two cars, thought to be highly unreliable, to see if one would spontaneously combust or a temporal anomaly would open up.
My motor court is now chock-full of so much bad juju that I doubt a priest, witch doctor, and a voodoo master can be rid of the bad spirits. I’ll be needing all the four-leaf clovers and horseshoes hung above door entries to try and bring some luck back into the property. The black cats and ravens have surrounded this area since—and they don’t look tame. I’ve thrown all the salt in the house over my shoulder. I sacrificed a chicken to the ancient gods in an attempt to gain their favor. Nothing it seems will wash away what I have done.
Here parked are two of the most feared vehicles on the road: 2006 BMW M5 (E60) and 2006 Ford F250 Super Duty with the 6.0L Turbo Diesel. The former is equipped with a 5.0L V10 capable of 8,250rpm and the latter has an oil-burning V8 with a redline where the BMW sits for launch control. They both carry a love-it or hate-it following. Mentioning their names in certain circles is like suddenly becoming radioactive—run away from that man!
You’d be right to think, ‘These are expensive cars to own,’ and be somewhat correct. They are man-eating tigers and you’ve got their tail in hand. At a moment’s notice, they might turn around and bite your head clean off. The BMW is notorious for spinning rod bearings with catastrophic results—paperweight S85 anyone? The Ford has an oil-fired injection system more prone to clogging than a geriatric smoker with four generations of heart disease. They’re finicky cars, often owned by people who can scarcely pay for rent, let alone an engine replacement.
But fear not! All things are possible in the eyes of our automotive Gods and a little bit of knowledge. This M5 has had its oil changed religiously every year, the oil tested for signs of rod-bearing material—all prior to and after a séance where 21 candles are lit in a circle around it and “Du Hast” is played at ear bleeding volume (is there a better German song?). The Ford on the other hand has had a bypass oil filter added and a coolant filter (read: twice the oil filtering capacity and one-hundred percent more coolant filtering) to prevent the oil cooler from leaking oil into coolant or vice versa.
And due to a little bit of knowledge and plenty of luck, both have been reasonably reliable. Sure, the M5 might have a CEL on right now and the Ford is always on a knife’s edge of a full nervous breakdown, but that’s the price you pay to get speed and torque for bargain basement prices. Find another car that does 200 MPH for less than twenty-grand. Do you want the same truck but a Duramax or Cummins? You’re going to spend around ten grand more for a truck with the same configuration and age.
They’re both bargains if you are willing to take the risks. Buy the best examples of these vehicles you can afford. Consider the sellers almost as much as you consider the vehicle. Keep a vial of Mermaid tears in your pocket just in case. And never, ever get rid of the phone number of your local exorcist—you might just need them after all.
Cheers,
M. T. Blake
IG @_mtblake / www.mtblake.net
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